Hello to
my 30’s and a HAPPY goodbye to my
20’s.
I’m finally 30! I’m truly grateful, appreciative, and
blessed. I don't say this because I am a black male who has overcome
tragedies, experienced personal and vicarious trauma but the
aforementioned are unfortunate things I have gone through. These
experiences have contributed to my appreciation for continuing to live but the
salient reason I’m so happy about reaching 30 years of age is that my
mid-to-late teens and early twenties were the worse part of my life. I
had way too much fun. (Rating the fun on a scale of 1 to 10, I
could easily say a 15!) Between alcohol, drugs, women, and violence, part
of my life was like living in a fantasy world. When I lost my virginity,
instead of focusing on my education, I focused on pretty girls with nice smiles
and had already asserted myself as a hot-head in school and
sports. I have not ever classified myself as a thug but my fervency
for physical aggression and lack of self-control made me one of the go-to
people when my friends needed more muscle in fights and other unnecessary
situations.
College was no different. I had no idea why I was there. The
only reason I could think of at that time was that my dad told me I had to be
there. My first two years of college only provided me a place to engage
in more fun more often. I went to a college that was less than 25 miles
away from one of the top 10 party schools in the entire nation and I quickly
understood why it was ranked so high. As a freshman and sophomore, the
last thing I was thinking about was scheduling classes or getting my text
books. The only difference between high school and college was that I
partied with a more diverse group of people in college that contrasted the
black and white dichotomy I was use to back in Pittsburgh.
I say I had too much fun (which in many ways I did), but as I’ve
gotten older and continue to become more seasoned in my profession as a
therapist, I begin to think there is a great possibility that I was
depressed. Depression can take many forms. Common belief is that
depressed people are sad, sluggish, down in the dumps, etc. Those are
some behaviors of depression. However,
depression can take the form of risky behaviors like I was engaging in. I
didn’t know who I was back then; I didn’t have a strong sense of
self-awareness, I surely didn’t know my purpose and I had no real goals
set other than to graduate from college – only because my dad told me so.
Not knowing ones purpose, not having awareness of one’s true self and personal
identity, and not having any goals set causes a void…it can also incite
depressive symptoms. With a void like this, there is plenty of time and
space for a person to fill their time and their entire life with unhealthy
activities. So as I look back on my life as a younger man, it was surely
too much fun, but there is a large possibility that not being confident in
who I was or who I could be was an awful feeling to me. Maybe I was
fearful. Maybe I was scared of something on the inside and could not
communicate it verbally, so I turned to alcohol, drugs, and violence to soothe
my inner turmoil. Maybe (consciously or unconsciously) I thought that
being someone I wasn't was better than being no one at all
When I
turned 23 and found my purpose in life and became comfortable with who I was,
this became the basis that birthed my desire to help people; particularly teens
and adults who may be struggling with similar dilemmas like I was. Age 23
was the year that my second life began; a healthier life, a purpose driven life…the
best part of my life thus far. While certain people my age are stressed
about getting older, I am smiling and full of life. While younger people
are moving around with pseudo-supreme-confidence because they are 20 and young,
I am happy to be exiting that stage. Hello to my 30’s and a happy goodbye
to my 20’s.
#EXPANDYOURPERSPECTVE
©August 2015
